My suggestions to Mess with first dates.
1. Fill pants with mulch, let a little fall out from time to time, whisper, "Oh no, it's happening again."
2. Upon meeting him/her, scrape finger across his/her shoulder, taste and say, "You'll do."
3. Wear a Members Only jacket, jams, and a Spuds MacKenzie hat. make references to '80's culture as if it were topical, e.g. "Have you seen that new 'Pretty in Pink' movie?"
4. Constantly hint that you are an alien, as in "Reminds me of Zorzootz 4... uh... I mean Venice."
5. (men) Tag on real sardonic "for a girl" to all your compliments, as in, "That skirt looks really nice on you... for a girl."
6. Greet date with gifts: a) a stack of wrestling magazines b) your dirty laundry c) black orchids--the flower of death d) a bag of marbles and a large grouper.
7. Refuse to veer conversation away from Jack-O.
8. Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, come back sopping wet, offer no explanation.
9. Greet date with the classic "Give me five, up high, down low, you're too slow."
10. Repeatedly use the word "milkweed" as an adjective, as in "This has been really milkweed."
11. Boast about your ligament strength.
12. Rub hands together and smile fiendishly as you talk.
13. Two words: male perm.
14. Four words: wear a name tag.
15. Put parmesan cheese in your coffee.
16. In an accusing tone, constantly compare your date unfavorably to Gollum, as in, "Gollum didn't smoke."
17. Attempt to do napkin origami. Fail. Be ruthlessly hard on yourself with "I suck"s and "I'm such a loser!"s.
18. Speak all your statements with an interrogative inflection?
19. Respond at entirely inappropriate times with "Is that a threat or an invitation?" or "Do the math."
20. After successfully cutting meat, exclaim proudly, "I am the shit." Do that "raise the roof" gesture.
No comments:
Post a Comment